But here's the thing that really got to me. Even if I found a perfect lube, zero bad ingredients, totally clean, gentle, whatever, it still wouldn't have fixed my actual problem.
And I know that now because I spent another hour that night down the rabbit hole and something finally clicked.
The lube wasn't failing because of the ingredients. I mean yes, the ingredients were making things WORSE, causing infections, irritation, all of that. But even a perfect lube would have dried up in five minutes. Because the problem isn't on the surface.
My tissue was thinning from the inside. Like the actual walls inside me were getting thinner and more fragile because my estrogen dropped. And when the tissue is that thin, it can't hold onto moisture. Doesn't matter what you put on it. It's like pouring water into a cracked cup. It just runs right through.
That's why I'd been reapplying every five minutes and why nothing lasted.
No lube on earth fixes a cracked cup. You have to fix the cup itself.
And suddenly I was furious at every doctor, every friend and every product that told me to "just try a different lube." None of them were fixing the real proble. They were all just selling me different brands of water to pour into it.